The healthiest relationships are those that have mutual respect and strong boundaries. Relationships need boundaries because they foster an atmosphere of trust and both parties are comfortable enough to be vulnerable and share their deepest thoughts, joys, hopes, and struggles without fear or judgment. There is safety in relationships where boundaries are respected but without boundaries, many relationships fail. Here is how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Know What Your Boundaries Are
To set healthy boundaries in your relationships, you need to figure out what your boundaries are. You need to know what you will and will not accept from those who you have relationships with. If you’re not secure in the boundaries you have for yourself, it will be easy to allow others to take advantage of you. If you will not answer work-related phone calls or emails after a certain time of the day after work, make this clear to your supervisor and coworkers. Tell loved ones and friends the consequences of violating your boundaries and enforce them when needed.
Use “I” Statements
It also helps to use “I” statements when setting boundaries with others. If your friends invite you to dinner but you’re on a budget and cannot afford to dine out at this time, say, “I appreciate your dinner invitation but I’m on a budget and trying to improve my finances. I won’t be able to join you. Maybe another time.” You’re not getting defensive and you’re not being aggressive with your reaction. You set a clear boundary for yourself while still maintaining the friendship.
Your Boundaries Should Be Consistent
People will not respect your boundaries if you’re not consistent in keeping them. If you told your kids that you’ll take their devices away if they refuse to do their chores, don’t let them keep their devices if they whine and cry after you enforced the boundary. This shows the kids you’re not serious about the rules you set for them. Always maintain consistent boundaries.
Don’t Fall For The Guilt Trips
With family members in particular, they may put guilt trips on you when you set clear boundaries with them. If you and your spouse plan to seek an evaluation for your child but they get upset and tell you that there’s nothing wrong with your child, politely tell them that while you understand their opinions, you and your spouse are going to decide what is best for your child. Ignore their criticism of your parenting skills and don’t accept any disrespect they hurl at you, your spouse, or your child.
Use Direct and Clear Communication
When you set boundaries, use direct and clear communication. Direct communication shows you’re assertive and that you mean what you say. If you need to offer constructive feedback to your employee, you can say, “Over the past two months, I noticed that the quality of your work decreased. I would like to discuss the matter with you and develop a better plan to help you improve.” During the meeting, be specific about how he is slacking in his duties and your expectations of him going forward. Enforce consequences if he continues to not fulfill his responsibilities.
Don’t Negotiate When Setting Boundaries With Kids
This is crucial when you set boundaries with your children. Kids are clever and they know how to be crafty when they want their way. They’ll suggest alternatives to the clear boundaries you set with the hopes that you’ll go easy on them and give in. Don’t compromise your standards or rules if those standards are for the kids’ well-being. Empathize with their disappointment but stand firm on your boundaries.
Say No To Financial Leeches
You may have relatives, friends, or dating partners who are always in need of financial assistance. They mismanage their money or they depend on others to help them financially. They know you’re a kind person who wants to help people in need. Watch out for financial leeches who take advantage of you for money. They’re using you and rarely help you when you need help from them. Be firm with them and tell them that you’re not able to fulfill their requests. You can offer to help in other ways. You may help the person create a budget or assist with writing his resume to give potential employers.
Set Boundaries For Conversations
If there are certain topics you won’t discuss during conversations, let everyone know which topics are off-limits during your talks with them. These may include sexuality, politics, money, difficult family issues at home, your children, and your financial situation. Tell them your boundaries before the conversation starts. If they get too personal with their questions, politely remind them that you won’t discuss those issues with them because it’s a private matter.
Walk Away From Those Who Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
If you clearly expressed your boundaries and the consequences for violating them yet certain people still don’t respect them, it’s time to walk away from those relationships. They don’t care about your needs and they’re selfish. These are not the kind of people you should have relationships with. Don’t be silent or overly accommodating to these individuals because they’ll keep disrespecting you until you become assertive with them.
Get Counseling If You Struggle With Boundaries
A lot of people struggle with people-pleasing habits and this keeps them from setting healthy boundaries in their relationships. If this is your struggle, get counseling to heal emotionally and set stronger boundaries. Maybe you weren’t allowed to voice your opinions respectfully as a child and grew up believing that you had to make others happy and ignore your own needs. Or maybe you were bullied for certain traits you have and you felt that if you gave in to others’ demands, it would make you more acceptable in their eyes. Therapy helps you get to the root of your issues and gives you new strategies to overcome the need for validation from others.
When you set healthy boundaries in your relationships, it makes your relationships stronger and there is respect and better communication as a result.
